Short Day
Today is a short day at work I would rather not have. Off to the wake this afternoon--and hoping to pop into the doctors on the way to get this cough checked out.
I resent putting on a dress on days like this. I resent that I got a compliment on it as soon as I got to work because that person didn't know why I put it on this morning.
Last night was nice time all together as a family. Ty was already home when G and I walked in. So, while G had his "lay down time" in his crib, we emptied the dishwasher together, put away some more laundry and switched it over to put another load in, and then we fed G some leftover tuna casserole(his new favorite I think), while I cooked some chicken enchiladas for us (I got a little carried away with the chili powder, so I thought it would be too spicy for G, which turns out it wasn't and he chowed down on some of that too).
We watched some tv together, as G was in a cuddly/lounging type of mood--must have been pooped from daycare.
They made the cutest little thing--they printed off little poem things about this jar of sparkles; that you sprinkle in the snow on your lawn on Christmas eve, so that they glisten in the moonlight and the reindeer see the house better. They also did quite a bit of painting, and G's arms were covered in green and blue and red and yellow blotches. I love taking mental pictures of these moments and dig into that bank on really sad days; such as this.
It will be just my boy and I for dinner tonight as Ty is going to both of the visitations today. Tomorrow is another hard day, and I won't be at work at all. I will be "happy" for the family when this is all over--these are the worst days in the process. Healing can't begin yet.
Losing a father is not something I can comprehend. It literally is not in my brains power to even process that thought. I am not ready, and his kids and his wife (and the rest of the family) sure as heck were not ready. As I stood in the shower I imagined what it would be like; put myself in their shoes..
How do you find the motivation to shower, to get dressed, to stand beside the casket and force out smiles to people who think they knew this person, but will never understand the bond the two of you had? How does the world keep turning, lives keep on keeping on when the rock in your life is no longer? It doesn't seem possible.
A girl needs her daddy, a boy needs his father, a wife needs her husband...they were supposed to have decades left together. The most tragic thing is when things don't work out the way you want them to. When a life is a cut short; a good life at that. A dad's job is not merely to help raise the babies, to be a provider, a nurturer , and advice giver or a disciplinarian. It is also to be a friend. As children grow up, and the job of "raising them" takes the back seat, the job of sitting back and enjoying this new relationship together steps up to plate. To miss events: graduations, weddings, babies, birthdays, christmas'....it's so wrong.
I understand the circle of life, but I also believe we all like to think we are exempt from it. That tragedy won't strike us personally, that the fairy tale can be real and will continue. How wrong we are.
On this day of solemn reflection for my household, I beg you all to appreciate things more. Not just your life, and the fragility of everything in it, but to truly appreciate the tender moments, the arguments, the laughs, tears and learning moments that you still get to experience with your loved ones. Someone, somewhere is having to say goodbye forever to those that mean the most to them. Value yours while you can.
I resent putting on a dress on days like this. I resent that I got a compliment on it as soon as I got to work because that person didn't know why I put it on this morning.
Last night was nice time all together as a family. Ty was already home when G and I walked in. So, while G had his "lay down time" in his crib, we emptied the dishwasher together, put away some more laundry and switched it over to put another load in, and then we fed G some leftover tuna casserole(his new favorite I think), while I cooked some chicken enchiladas for us (I got a little carried away with the chili powder, so I thought it would be too spicy for G, which turns out it wasn't and he chowed down on some of that too).
We watched some tv together, as G was in a cuddly/lounging type of mood--must have been pooped from daycare.
They made the cutest little thing--they printed off little poem things about this jar of sparkles; that you sprinkle in the snow on your lawn on Christmas eve, so that they glisten in the moonlight and the reindeer see the house better. They also did quite a bit of painting, and G's arms were covered in green and blue and red and yellow blotches. I love taking mental pictures of these moments and dig into that bank on really sad days; such as this.
It will be just my boy and I for dinner tonight as Ty is going to both of the visitations today. Tomorrow is another hard day, and I won't be at work at all. I will be "happy" for the family when this is all over--these are the worst days in the process. Healing can't begin yet.
Losing a father is not something I can comprehend. It literally is not in my brains power to even process that thought. I am not ready, and his kids and his wife (and the rest of the family) sure as heck were not ready. As I stood in the shower I imagined what it would be like; put myself in their shoes..
How do you find the motivation to shower, to get dressed, to stand beside the casket and force out smiles to people who think they knew this person, but will never understand the bond the two of you had? How does the world keep turning, lives keep on keeping on when the rock in your life is no longer? It doesn't seem possible.
A girl needs her daddy, a boy needs his father, a wife needs her husband...they were supposed to have decades left together. The most tragic thing is when things don't work out the way you want them to. When a life is a cut short; a good life at that. A dad's job is not merely to help raise the babies, to be a provider, a nurturer , and advice giver or a disciplinarian. It is also to be a friend. As children grow up, and the job of "raising them" takes the back seat, the job of sitting back and enjoying this new relationship together steps up to plate. To miss events: graduations, weddings, babies, birthdays, christmas'....it's so wrong.
I understand the circle of life, but I also believe we all like to think we are exempt from it. That tragedy won't strike us personally, that the fairy tale can be real and will continue. How wrong we are.
On this day of solemn reflection for my household, I beg you all to appreciate things more. Not just your life, and the fragility of everything in it, but to truly appreciate the tender moments, the arguments, the laughs, tears and learning moments that you still get to experience with your loved ones. Someone, somewhere is having to say goodbye forever to those that mean the most to them. Value yours while you can.
So well said! I couldn't agree more with you. I've been a basket case of emotions all week so far and so has Casey. I can't even imagine how Suzy, Steph and Jeff are even functioning at this point. My heart hurts for them constantly.
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